Dressing up...Enough is Enough...and Goldilocks

Yay!  It's Halloween!  Woot!  Woot!  I hate Halloween.  Gasp!  I know I am a minority here in this opinion but I just don't get it.  We spend money to dress up the kids in outfits, send them door-to-door to get free candy and yet we spend money on candy to give out for free....what the what?  Then we pilfer through our children's candy to make sure it is "safe" to eat (read as: to find our favorite candies for ourselves and give them a once over and deem them unsafe to eat only to stash them away for our own partaking!) while stressing the importance on the majority of days to not eat candy.....End of rant. 

So did I get dressed up today?  Without a doubt.  I put on my jeans first then my shirt.  Usually I put on my shirt first then my jeans; so, yes, technically today I dressed up.  See what I did there?  I do find it interesting that the cleaning staff where I work have a "custodial office" that they have swanked out in Halloween décor.  One of the ladies was in the restroom the other day and I remarked that her office was beginning to look "spooktacular"--yes I am that corny<--hey another="" anyone="" anyway="" at="" be="" black="" by="" cats="" choices="" colors="" didn="" difficult="" do.="" em="" etc.="" felt="" for="" go="" halloween="" her="" it="" just="" justify="" like="" look="" nbsp="" need="" of="" orange="" over="" people="" pumpkins="" purple="" reference="" saying="" she="" some="" somehow="" t="" that="" the="" they="" to="" top="" would="">really
find too much fault in her choices in that she has a picture of Jesus on her wall.  I just remarked that, "What's over the top for one person isn't enough for another."  Which got me to thinking of Goldilocks...............bear with me.......hehehe.
Goldilocks was all about balance.  You know: not too hot not too cold,  not too soft not too hard, blah, blah, blah.  She was BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!  She must have invented every perfect thing like..........peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  I mean think about it.  It's one of the most basic sandwiches in the world that kids eat in abundance yet there is so much more to it than being a mere lunch choice.  Peanut butter and jelly.  Let me set the scene:  Goldilocks is in her little cabin in the woods...because let's face it she couldn't shack up with those bears forever...and she gets a little peckish.  What to eat...whaaaat.... to. eat...she wants something easy to prepare, maybe a little salty but something sweet also sounded good.  She's perusing her cupboards and she sees the peanut butter....mmmmm....salty but not sweet enough.  She meanders to her fridge.......a jar of jelly.........mmmmmm.....something sweet but too sweet on its own.  Upon wandering back to her cupboards for further investigation a light bulb appears over her head.  Which, on a side note, would be oh so cool if that really happened in life when we had a good idea.  Peanut butter---salty.  Jelly---sweet.  Together:  PERFECT.  But wait. She can't just stick a spoon in the peanut butter and then in the jelly and call it a day.  Well, I mean she could but that would be too messy and we all know Goldilocks is about not too this or that but just right.  So she spies that loaf of bread on the counter and realizes her electric bill is going to be higher this month because another light bulb just came on.  Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Of course, being Goldilocks she bought the perrrrrrrrrfect loaf.  Not the white bread that the minute you bite it sticks to the roof of your mouth that you have to proceed to maneuver your tongue under only to give yourself a tongue sprain (if that is even possible) thus resulting in you throwing the whole thing in the trash wishing you had never entered the kitchen to begin with.  Nor did she buy that loaf that "they" say is oh so healthy for you because of all the whole grains, sprouted nuts and seeds but in all honesty tastes so dry that you end up downing your first bite with a liter of water only to begin the growing process of plants in your stomach from said sprouted nuts and seeds.  Nope.  Goldilocks bought that perfect loaf--not too soft or hard, not too dry or dare I say moist (some people get skeeved out about that word--Natalie Morales) but just right.  So heads up Goldilocks let me know where you spent your bread to buy that bread because I have yet to find it. 

Thus Goldilocks proceeds to make the perfect PB&J.  And this is how it is done.  Period.  No ifs ands or buts.  Make a peanut butter and jelly this way and you will be oh so happy.  Take two slices of the perfect bread and put them on the clean counter.  Yes the counter.  No plate yet.  Take a butter knife---not a dinner knife with serrated edges, not a pointed knife that will cause you to stab the bread creating a huge hole which you will try to ignore only to continue to come across in your spreading attempt to enlarge over and over and over.  A butter knife---you have one.  It came with that silverware set that you bought with dreams of having people over to eat and using every piece of it including that huge spoon and fork that seem to have been made for the giant in Jack and the Bean Stalk.  Yeah that butter knife.  See, I told you you had one.  Too bad you live on your own and have used the same fork and spoon from your exemplary set of silverware everyday because let's face it, all the utensils look alike and what's the point of washing your used fork and spoon every. night. and putting it back in the utensil drawer every. night.   Not to mention that technically you would have to put the freshly washed utensils under the ones in the drawer in order to really use a fresh fork and spoon thus forcing you to lift up all the utensils which, if you were me, would result in you dropping them all on the ground....washing them all.....drying them all.  Not. worth. it. 

Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.  PB&J.  Spread the peanut butter onto the bread--one slice from corner to corner, edge to edge.  Not too much so that when you get down at eye level you could use a ruler to measure the height of the thickness of peanut butter but not so little that you can see the bread beneath the peanut butter.  Oh. wait.  Crunchy or creamy?  Natural--i.e. ingredient label reads: peanuts, salt.  Or every child's favorite the ones with so much sugar added that you might as well bypass the jelly because they are sweet enough on their own?  In my humble opinion it would be au natural--peanuts and salt and not crunch.  I know, I know.  But remember we're adding a sweet element--jelly and we have the perfect bread--not too soft or too hard--thus resulting in the perfect texture.  Go with me on this. 

Now jelly.....okay, actually, not jelly.  What!?  Jelly is so...well...jelly.  Say that word over and over and over and you will understand.  I'll wait.............See!  Jell-ly.  Yep.  Okay, so you may think preserves?  Nope.  Too far in the other direction.  You don't want to be eating your PB&J and three bites in come across a huge piece of squishy fruit that forces you to change your chewing rhythm.  Jam my friends.  Jam.  Grape jam, blackberry jam, strawberry jam.....whatever your jam is go with it.  The most unprocessed.  unadulterated.  unmessed with jam you can find....again Goldilocks at what store do you shop?  Buy that one.  Spread it evenly with the back of a spoon, yes a spoon onto the other slice of bread.  This is not a negotiating point.  Peanut butter and jam DO. NOT. TOUCH. until marriage--i.e. when sandwich is complete.  I will not even talk about the cringe worthy topic of that peanut butter and jelly swirl stuff you can buy in a jar at the store.  Yuck.  That doesn't even exist in Goldilocks' store.  I'd suggest the same amount of jam as peanut butter--I think Goldilocks would approve.  Now peanut butter and jam can unite.  Place peanut buttered bread atop jam bread.  Try it the other way if you want but you take the chance of the jam falling off.  Don't say I didn't warn you.  Now, you make think done.  No.  Not done.  You must cut it in half....into two triangles.  From top left to the bottom right.  Yes, that specific.  Now place completed sandwich onto plate, add some carrot sticks on the side with a glass of fridge cold milk and done.  Perfect. 

But guess what?  I don't even eat PB&J sandwiches or drink milk.  My stomach isn't the greatest fan of peanut butter, can't tolerate gluten at. all. and that glass of milk would be almond milk all the way.  So take my instructions with a grain of salt....and a granule of sugar to even things out.

So heeeeere we go...my first link up!  Well, I will at the very least attempt to link up with the brilliant Amanda at runningwithspoons.com who started this whole :

• First off: puzzle me this:  when does morning, afternoon, evening, and night officially begin and end?  We bid (I like using that word--makes me feel British or something) each other a "Good morning"; yet how early is too early?  I mean, officially doesn't morning start at 1 am?  But if someone said "Good morning" to me at that hour they'd soon realize their morning was just about to get bad!  Actually, in all honesty if someone said good morning to me at one a.m. I would definitely have a problem in that I live alone....or my cat Izzy has been reading more during the day than I suspected....So we greet our office mates, friends, family with this up until...obviously NOON!  Technically, at 12:01 pm it is INDEED after...noon...afternoon.  Duh!  So great it's after noon....but....what about the dreaded evening....when does that begin?  Ugh! And now night...gasp!  What?  When?  How?  For how long!  EEK!  The madness of it all....And another question:  How come the second half of the day gets three greetings: "Good afternoon", "Good evening" and "Good night"? And the first half is stuck with "Good Morning"?  Shouldn't there be like a "Good beforenoon"?

• Numero Dos:  Kudos to Special K for their new commercial.  (That's got to be sacrilegious:  Kudos and Special K in the same sentence...hmmm....)  The commercial to which I am referring to is the jean commercial:  women shopping for jeans, looking for the sizes on the tags only to discover words like 'beautiful', 'confident', 'worthwhile', etc.  As they state, "You are not a number".  Awesome message...but wait...isn't this from the same company spouting 100 calorie pack snacks, the "Special K Challenge" when you eat like two servings of cereal a day and a "wholesome" dinner?  Something a little fishy there isn't it.  Now if you know anything about me....which most of you...aka...known of you does you know I am not about numbers; I have not OCD issues with numbers.  Hi.  I am pot.  Nice to meet you kettle.  You are black.

• Three:  I cringe to get to three.  What will happen after three you ask?  The childhood mystery continues.  How many children are afraid of the "after" three?  I mean how many parents make it past three before their children do what they were asked to do or stop doing what it is they are doing?  You know what I mean.  A child flicking the light switch on off, on off, on off, on off..."Stop Heather"  I hear my mother warn.  On off, on off....Mom: "One...two..." Lights on.  On.  On......OFF!  Mom, "Heather....one....two...................."  Lights ON!  I mean seriously how long can she hold out on getting to three.....really?  Next, time you know it'll be "One.....two..................................................................................................................................."

• I should/could/may end on four.....I feel like I've given some thought provoking information that needs to be digested by all without giving indigestion....which leads to an intriguing question...how do we determine when enough is enough.....think about it.....really thiiiiiiiiink about it.  If you are given three cookies....only...three cookies. what would you do?  Eat them all at one time?  Eat one and save two for later?  Eat two now save the last for later?  Save them all for....what, I mean how long do you save them?  They're cookies!  If those three cookies had to last you the rest of your life....like your only supply of food....how much would you eat at one time?  Perhaps you would think, "If I ate them all right now perhaps, just maybe I'd get lucky and find something else to eat.  And if not, I'm going to die anyway might as well face the demise sooner rather than later".  Or maybe you say, "Three cookies.  That's it?  The. rest. of. my. life?  I'll take a nibble of one for now...that should last me, what? till November, December...I mean, wait, I did sign up for that Thanksgiving Day Marathon...may want to save at least 1/2 of one for that day right?  I mean it is 26.2 miles or something...and it's only the .2 that kill you anyway...yeah 1/2 should do........"  So a nibble now....but wait then you realize what the heck!  These are store bought cookies that are stale and taste like cardboard...not even worth eating...not three of Mom's homemade cookie recipe which no one can replicate unless of course they trek all the way to the store, wait in line, spend well-earned money, drive home, and follow the recipe on the back of the Nestle chocolate chip bag.  Might as well eat them all now....what you thought I'd toss these suckers?  They're cookies...they're free...c'mon!

When all else fails--write.  Whenever I get the itch to journal to God it's like something, someone tells me to write it on my blog.  Yet, to do so is opening up a can of worms.  Or more specifically it is opening up myself to putting myself out there for the world to see--not that anyone actually reads this.  Which brings up an entirely different question.  If no one reads this then why put it out there to begin with?   Why not just journal in a secret notebook that only I can see.  I guess I feel that to do so would simply be wasting away a talent--if my writing can be called a talent--that God gave me.  Perhaps something I throw out here in the blogoshphere will impact someone in a positive way.  And, maybe quite selfishly, writing something will impact me in a positive way.

I look at what I just wrote and realize how dry and sparse it seems sitting in front of my eyes.  I should really learn how to or at least attempt to make my typing more inviting to read.  But sometimes, i.e., all the time thus far in life I only reach for writing to get my feelings on paper as quickly as possible without overthinking fonts, colors, pix, etc.  I overthink enough in my everyday existence without overthinking this.  In fact, I overthink overthinking!  This is so exhausting.  My mind is never in time out.  I must learn to stop this obsession.  I wonder if this happens to anyone but myself.  And if it does how do they learn to just let go and let God?  I want to do this, I say I do this, but in fact I always accept the problems and trouble thoughts back into my life with no qualms. 

You know what?  Now I am dripping in guilt thinking that I should really shut my trap and bring something uplifting and spiritual to this site.  God didn't give me trials and tribulations to stumble me and others.  We are blessed--whoa did I just say that?--to have troubles in our lives.  How else would we grow as individuals and spiritual beings?  I cannot tell you how much I have learned from reading others' growth through their trials.  Like most always say, "If I [they] can do it, so can you [I]"  So let me tell you my struggles and maybe we can overcome them together. 

I am afraid of pain.  For almost five years now I have had physical pain in my feet, in my stomach, in my overall body.  First, my feet.  In high school I began running cross country.  A love/hate relationship.  Love the freedom of running.  Love the runner's high.  Loved the fact that I was physically able to run.  Loved.  However, I think the deeper I got into running the more addictive it became.  I always viewed running as the ultimate proof in strength.  If you could run you were fit, healthy, active.  The further the better.  However, as things in my life go this too became an obsession.  If you haven't noticed I have an OCD personality.  If I ran one hour one day the next I had to do an hour.  Run, run, run...and oops look at that I ran an hour and two minutes...how did that happen?  So the next day I'm out running again and I get to the typical one hour mark and my mind says, "Hey you ran an hour and two minutes yesterday.  You can do it again today!"  So an hour and two minutes becomes the necessary goal for a few weeks.  Then BAM!  The next week I go an hour and three minutes...then an hour and four...fifteen...twenty...etc.  I always keep going until Whack!  God hits me on the head and says stop.  How does He get me to stop?  Pain.  Pain in my feet, pain in my legs, pain, pain, pain.  I go to the point until I physically can do no more.  Then I must stop, beg and plea for His grace and mercy and promise Him that if only He will let me run again I won't overdo it.  I really believe that I can fulfill this promise yet it doesn't happen.  I allow my OCD to set me back again and again.  Man, I should really make my new life motto:  Stop while you're ahead!  I think I shall.  I think I will keep repeating this over and over to myself as a reminder that too much is too far and too far is too much.  I should be more like Goldilocks--not too hot, not too cold, not too big, not too small...just right.

So on that note I am going to stop while I am ahead.  Why?  Because if I continue to write as I want to do right now I will not have the desire to come back to it.  I will exhaust myself of writing and thus lose interest and not be motivated to show up again tomorrow.  I need to remember this when it comes to exercise and eating.  Stop while I am ahead.  When I want to go that minute more or eat beyond comfort I should stop and remember...there is tomorrow.

Today I was reading Heather McClee's blog post on The Soulful Spoon.  She and I are so very similar in our experiences with digestive disorders, eating disorders, etc. that whenever I read one of her posts I feel like it is I that could have written it.  Funny and ironic that we are both Heathers and that we both live in South Carolina--yet never met. 

Anyway today she admitted that her eating disorder--ED--had recently been knocking at her back door trying to get in and infest her house.  In other words trying to lure himself into her mind and indoctrinate her with evil untruths.  Her post couldn't have been more timely.  I thought it interesting that whenever I read someone referring to EDs I automatically read it as eating disorders.  That is in fact to what the person using the acronym is referring, however, today is the first time I read it as someone's name: Ed.  It's like today I put a face on it.  Ed has been living with me for far too long.  He has been trying to tell me what to eat, when to eat, how much or little to eat, etc.  His name stands for eating disorder, exercise disorder, and evil doer.  Do you see the amazingness of his name?  He has been with me, in me, and around me my whole life.  Yet, until today I only equated my problems to a disease.  Somehow, in my mind, heart, and spirit, reading ED as Ed and putting a face and personality on him changes things completely.  To hell with Ed!  I don't need nor want someone else telling me how to live based on lies and deceit.  God alone should be in control of that.  He is the truth.  He wants my best.  He does not force Himself in like Ed.  He waits to be invited.  He is gentle, kind, gracious, merciful, ever loving, compassionate, understanding, forgiving, everything I want and need and nothing that I don't.  He will heal and bring peace.  All Ed does is force his way in, rape me of everything--who I am and want to be.  Ed has brainwashed me into believing I deserve his abuse, his brutality, his pain, his sadness, his mutilation.  He has made me constantly live and expect the worst in life.  Ed has convinced me that I will always be unhappy and that when I feel happy I must soon expect to feel sad and depressed again because I deserve it.  Well, Ed, I deserve better than you and I don't feel, won't feel guilty about feeling this way.  I am God's child not yours.  God made me and deserves my best.  I will honor God--not you Ed.  So Ed, the door is locked.  God is my security system.  He is my guard.  He will not let you in.  Turn around Ed.  Slink off into the darkness from which you came and die the brutal death YOU deserve.  You have brought too much pain to the world--to me and to others.  You Ed are Ever Done!  Ended!  Dead! 

When Two Roads Collide

How is it that life can be going along on an even keel and suddenly taking a drastic turn?  One day you are walking down the path you feel you were meant to take and the future seems all aligned in happy accord.  Then, unexpectedly someone or something crosses your path and your attention and heart are ripped open and exposed to feelings you never even imagined having.  I am at this point in my life in many ways.  Changes are coming and I HATE change.  Well, I don't think that I hate change I think I fear what it will bring.  Change that I have chosen brings its own amount of anxiety and insecurity; I think this is natural and expected.  However, when something so unexpected rears its way onto the path it throws me for a loop and makes me question everything.  I know that I am to trust God will all this, and I do.  I just get confused as to what to do in the here and now.  How do I know I am doing what it is God is wanting me to do rather than doing what I want to do?  It is especially difficult when others' emotions are involved.  As humans it is hard not to over think everything.  Well, for this human it is.  However, as one who professes to trust God I should do just that.  Let go and let God.  Stop holding my breath fearing I will make a false move, a wrong decision, whatever.  I should take a deep breath, close my eyes, and release my life into His hands.  It's there anyway, might as well accept it and let go and let be.  A friend of mine is helping me to practice this concept.  I am learning from said friend that God is our pilot and I am just in the co-pilot's chair.  I must give full control to God and be along for the ride.  When God sees I am ready He will let me assist in the navigation of this plane.  Fortunately, for me my life is not in my hands but in the everlasting Father's.  My time is not His time.  He has a way of bending events and time into workings far more beautiful than we could ever imagine.  Patience is a virtue.   

I suppose I should explain the long absence: but I won't.  I don't have many--any--followers so I'll just pick up on life as it is right now.  

God has blessed me with a new love in my life.  A true love.  Izzy.  She's a tabby kitten about 6 weeks old and she has my heart completely.  I texted a picture to my friend Kathy back in Florida with the message: my gift from God.  Kathy's response: there must be a story.  She knows me far too well--there is ALWAYS a story!  

For a quick recap I am now working for the Dept. Of Social Services auditing their summer food program.  Basically driving all over the state of South Carolina.  I love it!  Meeting new people; planting seeds for God and learning more about myself and God through others.  

A few weeks ago I was on a stop in Camden.  The address of the site I was supposed to go to was not to be found.  I decided to drive down the road and ask for clarification: this was a small town.  Kinda got the feeling everyone knew everyone.  Well, the first place I came to was a vet clinic.  So I went in and asked about the address. The receptionist pulled out the local phone book: about 1/4 inch thick: yep definitely a small town.  Unfamiliar with the address she said it could be the local sport arena.  I thanked her and on a fluke asked if they adopted pets, specifically cats.  She proceeded to lead me out back to two cat houses.  One for adult cats the other for kittens.  I went to the kitten house and was impressed by the cleanliness, care and attention the employees have to these precious animals.  One of the helpers asked if I was interested on adopting and I said yes...eventually... But unfortunately my then roommate claimed to be allergic to them.  

Well, as life happens a few weeks layer my aforementioned roommate decided to up and leave without a goodbye.  Lovely person right?  Oh well good riddance.  I decided I was ready to committ.  Saturday--a week from my decision to adopt would be the day I would drive out to Camden: a 45 minute drive and get my new baby.  I prayed about my decision, asking God to put it into place the perfect companion for me.  A kitten that needed me as much as I needed her.  And I was definitely set on getting a girl.  

As the week continued and work got busy I began talking myself out of it.  Perhaps I should wait.  Maybe it would be too much work.  With all the emotional upheaval from being abandoned without electricity, internet, phone and tv service for awhile and trying to get everything settled I had been overly stressed.  Maybe I wasn't in the best state of mind to do this right now.  On Friday morning as I was driving to my first site I had talked myself out of getting one.  I decided what I really wanted was to be with family so I called my aunt who lives about an hour away to see if I could come by on Saturday.  Well, come to find out they were in Florida so that was out of the picture.  Oh well.

My first stop led me to a YMCA where I met a beautiful woman named Patricia.  After my initial assessment and observation of the site and the food program we began discussing God--as He is the center of my life and my conversations always include Him.  We talked for a good twenty minutes and as I was about to leave I realized I still  needed her to sign a few things.  As she was signing I noticed her nail polish and commented on how much I liked the color but had never had my nails professionally done before because I couldn't justify the cost.  She said she used to feel the same way: that for years she had been afraid to embrace her beauty because she didn't want to steal away glory from God: she didn't want to appear to care more for her appearance than she did for God.  Then one day God opened her eyes to the scripture where it said that she was "fearfully and wonderfully made" from Psalm.  It was as though God was telling her He was okay with her feeling pretty and that He had created her and she was worthy.  As a person who has always fought allowing myself to feel pretty for fear of becoming haughty or prideful: these are the words I needed to hear.  I told Patricia as much through tears of gratitude for her words.  Patricia asked that I do one thing for myself that weekend: buy something just for me.  I told her I had been thinking about buying a cat and perhaps I would reconsider it and just do it.  

Well, after my second site visit I was on my way home and beginning to realize I needed to stop and eat. I thought I would turn off on the closest exit and run by an IGA and pick up a few things to go along with what I had brought from home.  As luck would have it I turned off an exit where country miles existed between landmarks thus taking me completely off the beaten path to find the local IGA. I decided it was a ridiculous thought and decided to turn around and go to the next exit.  Well lo and behold the next exit was for Camden.  I turned off the highway and made my way down the road a bit not exactly sure of where I was in relation to the vet clinic.  Not two minutes down the road I came to the road to the vet clinic.  I turned off the road at the old sport arena, parked my car under the trees and stopped to eat.  All the while thinking,"well maybe I could just stop by and see if there are any kittens".  I finished up lunch and made my way to the clinic all the while praying God would lead me in the right direction.  

I reintroduced myself to the receptionist on duty and she directed me to the kitten house where a young girl met me and guided me inside.  As we entered there were only two kittens in the inside--all the rest had ventured outside.  Both kittens had climbed up the gated area and were at the very top as though trying to climb out.  I picked up a little tabby and held her close to me and she just snuggled up against me and closed her eyes putting her head to my chest and purred.  As honored and precious as I felt I figured she did this with everyone.  Out of curiosity I asked the employee if it was a male or female.  She took it into her arms and confirmed it was indeed a little girl.  Well, I didn't want to just impetuously make a decision so asked the young woman if I could go out back and see the rest.  I petted and played with various others and they were all cute of course.  Each one I inquired about though ended up being male.  So I asked the little tabby I had initially picked up if she would like to be called Izzy--the name I had decided to name the kitten I was going to adopt.  As I asked the question the young assistant said,"Oh I have a dog that is named Izzy!"  Ha!  Somehow this declaration made it all too apparent to me that God was in approval.

So now I have my Izzy.  In the four days that I have had her I have learned a great deal about myself, God, and love.  We are just beginning this awesome journey together and I am ever so excited to see where God is leading us and how much the three of us: God, Izzy, and myself will all grow stronger together.  I have never loved something so much.  It sounds crazy but the deeper I fall in love with Izzy the deeper I fall in love with God.  I am ever so grateful to the Lord above for giving me new life through this little being.  My life has turned around so much in the past few weeks.  All for the better.  I feel I have lived the past five years with a weight upon my heart and my spirit.  I was bitter at first because of the sudden cowardly abandonment by my so-called friend.  Now I see it was for the best for me and my spirit.  I was once a butterfly flying free and somehow got netted and sent back into my cocoon.   It is in this cocoon that I changed and reformed into a different butterfly.  I have finally reemerged and am ready to fly again.  No I might not be as beautiful as my original form but I am stronger and have more determination than before to live and fly for God.

Clearing the Way for New Beginnings

It's funny how our paths in life twist and turn and bring us to new beginnings.  There have been times in my life when I can literally see the fork in the road and must choose one path over another.  Like when my now fiancé proposed to me--it was yes or no--left or right.  More often than not my life seems to be more like a trail in the woods.  You know when your hiking in a park in the woods and the path kind of twists and turns and then you approach a place where you can choose one path or another but you know that no matter the path you choose your going to eventually get to the end--out of the woods.  That is basically how my life, and most lives in general, seem to play out.  Sometimes we just wander upon our paths.  When you are walking with God as your leader you know that no matter which way the path turns or which path you choose God will get you through and "out of" the woods.  I think the important thing is: don't forget to enjoy the beauty of the woods as your journeying along--don't just focus your thoughts on getting out of the woods.  I too often am focusing on the end result rather than living in the present.  I think: once I get to this point in life, have accomplished said goal, desire, etc. I will be happy, I can slow down, I can breathe.  I am beginning to realize that I must make changes for myself now, at this moment.  Changes--no matter how small add up.  I wish sometimes--most times--I could blink myself into a new person.  I am frustrated often by my current situation and how I choose things that are out of habit and were chosen days, months, years ago by the person I used to be but no longer want to be.  It is hard to break out of comfort zones.  Slowly but surely through prayer, patience, and persistence God is helping me to stop what is my default mode of living and to evaluate what I am choosing and choose differently so that I will be a better person for Him.  It ain't easy let me tell you!  I must fight with old demons and stop justifying my old choices and start making new choices so as to make the changes I am determined to see in myself.  It helps immensely to have friends to talk to.  By voicing my feelings and thoughts aloud I hear the irrationality of them and it never fails that God provides me with a friend who reassures me and encourages me.  I often am so engrained in one way of thinking that I can't seem to look at things another way.  It's like living life wearing smudged glasses for so long that you accept that the world is and has always been blurred and unclear.  Then one day it dawns on you--CLEAN the glasses and you could see things clearer.  And even though I know that I could completely drop everything all at once and clean my glasses I am so used to seeing the world in a blurred manner that seeing everything with well-defined edges would be overwhelming.  So I find myself just fogging my lenses and wiping ever so gently.  I wish that I had the courage to take out the cleaner and completely wipe them clean--I don't at this point--but if I keep at it I will eventually be able to say "I can see clearly now the rain has gone"--a great song (I couldn't resist).  And it is at this point when God's strength is needed more than ever: to live in the world after the rain.