When all else fails--write.  Whenever I get the itch to journal to God it's like something, someone tells me to write it on my blog.  Yet, to do so is opening up a can of worms.  Or more specifically it is opening up myself to putting myself out there for the world to see--not that anyone actually reads this.  Which brings up an entirely different question.  If no one reads this then why put it out there to begin with?   Why not just journal in a secret notebook that only I can see.  I guess I feel that to do so would simply be wasting away a talent--if my writing can be called a talent--that God gave me.  Perhaps something I throw out here in the blogoshphere will impact someone in a positive way.  And, maybe quite selfishly, writing something will impact me in a positive way.

I look at what I just wrote and realize how dry and sparse it seems sitting in front of my eyes.  I should really learn how to or at least attempt to make my typing more inviting to read.  But sometimes, i.e., all the time thus far in life I only reach for writing to get my feelings on paper as quickly as possible without overthinking fonts, colors, pix, etc.  I overthink enough in my everyday existence without overthinking this.  In fact, I overthink overthinking!  This is so exhausting.  My mind is never in time out.  I must learn to stop this obsession.  I wonder if this happens to anyone but myself.  And if it does how do they learn to just let go and let God?  I want to do this, I say I do this, but in fact I always accept the problems and trouble thoughts back into my life with no qualms. 

You know what?  Now I am dripping in guilt thinking that I should really shut my trap and bring something uplifting and spiritual to this site.  God didn't give me trials and tribulations to stumble me and others.  We are blessed--whoa did I just say that?--to have troubles in our lives.  How else would we grow as individuals and spiritual beings?  I cannot tell you how much I have learned from reading others' growth through their trials.  Like most always say, "If I [they] can do it, so can you [I]"  So let me tell you my struggles and maybe we can overcome them together. 

I am afraid of pain.  For almost five years now I have had physical pain in my feet, in my stomach, in my overall body.  First, my feet.  In high school I began running cross country.  A love/hate relationship.  Love the freedom of running.  Love the runner's high.  Loved the fact that I was physically able to run.  Loved.  However, I think the deeper I got into running the more addictive it became.  I always viewed running as the ultimate proof in strength.  If you could run you were fit, healthy, active.  The further the better.  However, as things in my life go this too became an obsession.  If you haven't noticed I have an OCD personality.  If I ran one hour one day the next I had to do an hour.  Run, run, run...and oops look at that I ran an hour and two minutes...how did that happen?  So the next day I'm out running again and I get to the typical one hour mark and my mind says, "Hey you ran an hour and two minutes yesterday.  You can do it again today!"  So an hour and two minutes becomes the necessary goal for a few weeks.  Then BAM!  The next week I go an hour and three minutes...then an hour and four...fifteen...twenty...etc.  I always keep going until Whack!  God hits me on the head and says stop.  How does He get me to stop?  Pain.  Pain in my feet, pain in my legs, pain, pain, pain.  I go to the point until I physically can do no more.  Then I must stop, beg and plea for His grace and mercy and promise Him that if only He will let me run again I won't overdo it.  I really believe that I can fulfill this promise yet it doesn't happen.  I allow my OCD to set me back again and again.  Man, I should really make my new life motto:  Stop while you're ahead!  I think I shall.  I think I will keep repeating this over and over to myself as a reminder that too much is too far and too far is too much.  I should be more like Goldilocks--not too hot, not too cold, not too big, not too small...just right.

So on that note I am going to stop while I am ahead.  Why?  Because if I continue to write as I want to do right now I will not have the desire to come back to it.  I will exhaust myself of writing and thus lose interest and not be motivated to show up again tomorrow.  I need to remember this when it comes to exercise and eating.  Stop while I am ahead.  When I want to go that minute more or eat beyond comfort I should stop and remember...there is tomorrow.