Dressing up...Enough is Enough...and Goldilocks

Yay!  It's Halloween!  Woot!  Woot!  I hate Halloween.  Gasp!  I know I am a minority here in this opinion but I just don't get it.  We spend money to dress up the kids in outfits, send them door-to-door to get free candy and yet we spend money on candy to give out for free....what the what?  Then we pilfer through our children's candy to make sure it is "safe" to eat (read as: to find our favorite candies for ourselves and give them a once over and deem them unsafe to eat only to stash them away for our own partaking!) while stressing the importance on the majority of days to not eat candy.....End of rant. 

So did I get dressed up today?  Without a doubt.  I put on my jeans first then my shirt.  Usually I put on my shirt first then my jeans; so, yes, technically today I dressed up.  See what I did there?  I do find it interesting that the cleaning staff where I work have a "custodial office" that they have swanked out in Halloween décor.  One of the ladies was in the restroom the other day and I remarked that her office was beginning to look "spooktacular"--yes I am that corny<--hey another="" anyone="" anyway="" at="" be="" black="" by="" cats="" choices="" colors="" didn="" difficult="" do.="" em="" etc.="" felt="" for="" go="" halloween="" her="" it="" just="" justify="" like="" look="" nbsp="" need="" of="" orange="" over="" people="" pumpkins="" purple="" reference="" saying="" she="" some="" somehow="" t="" that="" the="" they="" to="" top="" would="">really
find too much fault in her choices in that she has a picture of Jesus on her wall.  I just remarked that, "What's over the top for one person isn't enough for another."  Which got me to thinking of Goldilocks...............bear with me.......hehehe.
Goldilocks was all about balance.  You know: not too hot not too cold,  not too soft not too hard, blah, blah, blah.  She was BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!  She must have invented every perfect thing like..........peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  I mean think about it.  It's one of the most basic sandwiches in the world that kids eat in abundance yet there is so much more to it than being a mere lunch choice.  Peanut butter and jelly.  Let me set the scene:  Goldilocks is in her little cabin in the woods...because let's face it she couldn't shack up with those bears forever...and she gets a little peckish.  What to eat...whaaaat.... to. eat...she wants something easy to prepare, maybe a little salty but something sweet also sounded good.  She's perusing her cupboards and she sees the peanut butter....mmmmm....salty but not sweet enough.  She meanders to her fridge.......a jar of jelly.........mmmmmm.....something sweet but too sweet on its own.  Upon wandering back to her cupboards for further investigation a light bulb appears over her head.  Which, on a side note, would be oh so cool if that really happened in life when we had a good idea.  Peanut butter---salty.  Jelly---sweet.  Together:  PERFECT.  But wait. She can't just stick a spoon in the peanut butter and then in the jelly and call it a day.  Well, I mean she could but that would be too messy and we all know Goldilocks is about not too this or that but just right.  So she spies that loaf of bread on the counter and realizes her electric bill is going to be higher this month because another light bulb just came on.  Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Of course, being Goldilocks she bought the perrrrrrrrrfect loaf.  Not the white bread that the minute you bite it sticks to the roof of your mouth that you have to proceed to maneuver your tongue under only to give yourself a tongue sprain (if that is even possible) thus resulting in you throwing the whole thing in the trash wishing you had never entered the kitchen to begin with.  Nor did she buy that loaf that "they" say is oh so healthy for you because of all the whole grains, sprouted nuts and seeds but in all honesty tastes so dry that you end up downing your first bite with a liter of water only to begin the growing process of plants in your stomach from said sprouted nuts and seeds.  Nope.  Goldilocks bought that perfect loaf--not too soft or hard, not too dry or dare I say moist (some people get skeeved out about that word--Natalie Morales) but just right.  So heads up Goldilocks let me know where you spent your bread to buy that bread because I have yet to find it. 

Thus Goldilocks proceeds to make the perfect PB&J.  And this is how it is done.  Period.  No ifs ands or buts.  Make a peanut butter and jelly this way and you will be oh so happy.  Take two slices of the perfect bread and put them on the clean counter.  Yes the counter.  No plate yet.  Take a butter knife---not a dinner knife with serrated edges, not a pointed knife that will cause you to stab the bread creating a huge hole which you will try to ignore only to continue to come across in your spreading attempt to enlarge over and over and over.  A butter knife---you have one.  It came with that silverware set that you bought with dreams of having people over to eat and using every piece of it including that huge spoon and fork that seem to have been made for the giant in Jack and the Bean Stalk.  Yeah that butter knife.  See, I told you you had one.  Too bad you live on your own and have used the same fork and spoon from your exemplary set of silverware everyday because let's face it, all the utensils look alike and what's the point of washing your used fork and spoon every. night. and putting it back in the utensil drawer every. night.   Not to mention that technically you would have to put the freshly washed utensils under the ones in the drawer in order to really use a fresh fork and spoon thus forcing you to lift up all the utensils which, if you were me, would result in you dropping them all on the ground....washing them all.....drying them all.  Not. worth. it. 

Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.  PB&J.  Spread the peanut butter onto the bread--one slice from corner to corner, edge to edge.  Not too much so that when you get down at eye level you could use a ruler to measure the height of the thickness of peanut butter but not so little that you can see the bread beneath the peanut butter.  Oh. wait.  Crunchy or creamy?  Natural--i.e. ingredient label reads: peanuts, salt.  Or every child's favorite the ones with so much sugar added that you might as well bypass the jelly because they are sweet enough on their own?  In my humble opinion it would be au natural--peanuts and salt and not crunch.  I know, I know.  But remember we're adding a sweet element--jelly and we have the perfect bread--not too soft or too hard--thus resulting in the perfect texture.  Go with me on this. 

Now jelly.....okay, actually, not jelly.  What!?  Jelly is so...well...jelly.  Say that word over and over and over and you will understand.  I'll wait.............See!  Jell-ly.  Yep.  Okay, so you may think preserves?  Nope.  Too far in the other direction.  You don't want to be eating your PB&J and three bites in come across a huge piece of squishy fruit that forces you to change your chewing rhythm.  Jam my friends.  Jam.  Grape jam, blackberry jam, strawberry jam.....whatever your jam is go with it.  The most unprocessed.  unadulterated.  unmessed with jam you can find....again Goldilocks at what store do you shop?  Buy that one.  Spread it evenly with the back of a spoon, yes a spoon onto the other slice of bread.  This is not a negotiating point.  Peanut butter and jam DO. NOT. TOUCH. until marriage--i.e. when sandwich is complete.  I will not even talk about the cringe worthy topic of that peanut butter and jelly swirl stuff you can buy in a jar at the store.  Yuck.  That doesn't even exist in Goldilocks' store.  I'd suggest the same amount of jam as peanut butter--I think Goldilocks would approve.  Now peanut butter and jam can unite.  Place peanut buttered bread atop jam bread.  Try it the other way if you want but you take the chance of the jam falling off.  Don't say I didn't warn you.  Now, you make think done.  No.  Not done.  You must cut it in half....into two triangles.  From top left to the bottom right.  Yes, that specific.  Now place completed sandwich onto plate, add some carrot sticks on the side with a glass of fridge cold milk and done.  Perfect. 

But guess what?  I don't even eat PB&J sandwiches or drink milk.  My stomach isn't the greatest fan of peanut butter, can't tolerate gluten at. all. and that glass of milk would be almond milk all the way.  So take my instructions with a grain of salt....and a granule of sugar to even things out.